Learning to Feel

“You seem fine.”

I shouldn’t be fine.  I should be a mess.  Why am I not?

The news I had just shared with a pastor was devastating, but I was plodding along, putting one foot in front of the other and trying to keep my family running.  Maybe I was still in shock?  Was my “type B” personality keeping me going?

It took months longer, but with the help of some special ladies and some recommended readings, I began to see how I had numbed myself to feeling.

“Don’t get angry.”  “Be content.”  “It’s not a big deal.” “Be positive!”  “Don’t grumble.”  These are the things that ran through my head and directed me to minimize my feelings.

Then there are the others.  “Nobody wants to hear your negative feelings.”  “Nobody wants a friend who is a downer.”  How many times have I seen the advice to “surround yourself with positive people!”?  Then I’d be better not show the negative!

Now I’m learning how to feel deeply again.  It’s not easy.  Part of it means going back and dealing with the past.  There’s a lot back there that I’ve avoided thinking about too much.  It’s all part of my story.

There is hope.  I want to live.

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